Old blogs no fun

Blogs aren't fun when you don't update them. I guess life is just to hectic now. Or maybe I've found more important things to do. I tried to use this as a way to get me to write SOMETHING at least once a day. I think it helped, even though I only posted like 4 times. I thought about posting, which made me think I should write. And I did. Most of the time.

I think I should just use this as my personal journal. It's not like anyone is reading it. or maybe they are. Does it really matter? No. I just need to write.

I wish I was an 8 year old boy again. I think heaven is going to be a big mixture. Like, I'll have all the great qualities about being 8, 18, 23 and whatever else I pick up along the way. There's so much about being eight that I miss. I think it's the innocence more than anything. It is. I miss not knowing what murder and rape and greed and envy and anxiety and worry and doubt and lust are. I miss just knowing that the sun rises and it sets, all of nature is beautiful and that soon I could go to bed and listen to the crickets through my open bed room window.

God I miss those days of growing up, before it got painful. I would just ride around in the truck with the windows down, going slow, riding through town and through the country. With a nice cool breeze and sunshine most days, I can remember squinting me eyes, just barely, and feeling the wind blow over my arm and through my hair. I miss the way the tips of my fingers would feel after keeping my hand outside the window for the whole ride. I miss being swallowed by the big red seats.

If i could just go back to that, driving slow, not worrying about getting home on time or paying bills. There would never be anymore news, no more guns or bombs, no more abuse. It's like being weighed down when you find out how the world is. There's a force that pulls you down and so many kids get swallowed up by it. The rest of us spend the rest of our lives trying to get out of it.

I've already begun to rise above it, but I dip back down sometimes. It's hard.

I just want somebody to trust. I just want something beautiful to live by.